“I hope you’re happy”
On the blame and shame loop and how we break free.
Donald Trump is actively advocating for the outright elimination of a Palestinian presence in Gaza. For many on the left, including myself, who tried regularly to build more support for Biden, and then Harris, among pro-Palestinian progressives, this is coming as no surprise. There was no reason to think that Trump would be anything but a human rights disaster with respect to the US’s approach to the Gaza conflict but to the Muslim world in general. But many were not swayed, and stayed home from voting anyway.
“I hope you’re happy!” Shout people on both sides.
There’s a lot of “i hope your happy” out there right now.
“Egg prices are still high! I hope you’re happy.”
“You made too much noise about pronouns and gender! I hope you’re happy.”
“There goes your Medicaid! I hope you’re happy.”
I get it. I’ve had these feelings too. Right now, people want people to be mad at. You were right and they were wrong and dammit they need to see that now so it doesn’t happen again. Heck maybe you even feel like they deserve what’s coming to them.
Now read that last sentence again. Doesn’t it just feel awful? I don’t want people to suffer. I wager neither do you. And neither do I want people to blame. I want a strategy for moving forward towards the same goals I had last week, last month, last year. I’d again wager that you want more or less the same thing.
It feels vindicating to be right, to throw blame or shame. But it never feels good. Being right never saved a relationship. If your house is on fire, you don’t feel good because you know you arent the one who forgot to change the battery in the smoke detector or who didn’t unplug the space heater. You work together to get to safety.
When I put on my anthropologist glasses, what I see in this flurry of fingerpointing is a whole bunch of people who share in their dissatisfaction with the way the world is. But rather than working together on solving the problem, we’ve slipped (or have been tricked) into blaming and shaming each other for different parts of it. And that’s just how the fascists want us: pointing fingers at each other rather than at them.
Please don’t misunderstand me. This is not an apologia for racism or bigotry or hate of any kind. I am not saying we need to stop rejecting when people promote genocide or argue to erase the rights of people who are trans or gay or of color. These are wrong, and must be given no quarter. But the thing about the blame and shame cycle is that it generally starts with something small, and then escalates to something much bigger. After a while you stop seeing the person at the other end of your pointed figure and instead only see the caricature of them you’ve constructed in your mind. They’re the villain. You’re the hero. Or the victim, or maybe both.
In my experience studying conflict over environmental issues, I’ve learned there is no one simple trick to break this vicious cycle. But I do know that someone has to go first. And when you go first, that you have to start not with information but with kindness. You don’t say “here’s why you were wrong.” Acknowledge that they know that you are seeing them as a villain. Recognize the heroism they believe is in their actions. Value that they are trying to change the world, even if you think their strategy is wrong or naive — they’re trying. Just as you are trying.
When we think about changing the world we’re working half with our values and half with our imaginations. So the thing we end up pushing for can look very different, even if the values are the same. Find ways to imagine together. Bring people into your imagination so they can see what you are envisioning. See what they are imaginating not as a unicorn or fairy tale, but instead ask what it is about your own imagination that makes you assume what they are hoping for is impossible.
There is never just one right way to advocate or resist or love or live. There are a few sideboards, but this business of working together to create a world that is truly diverse in all the ways it can be is going to be messy. Let’s not multiply the messiness because we’re angry.
